This is Woodstein Media’s first and likely only contest. There will be no others until someone succeeds at this task.

The contest is simple, at least according to the more conservative segment of society. All you have to do is pull yourself up by your bootstraps to win. I hope to see plenty of right-wing participation since they have apparently mastered this task. Come on, people, show your skills off to the world.

First, what is a bootstrap? Well, that is simple. It is the loop on the back of a boot or shoe placed there to help pull it on. Note to participants, putting footwear on is not considered pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.

Shoelaces are not bootstraps either.

Here is how the contest works. Crouch down, get your fingers in your bootstraps and bring yourself to a well-postured upright standing position while still wearing your footwear correctly. Your back must be straight, and your fingers must remain in your bootstraps.

You must capture your struggle on video and post it online with the following links in the description. Instagram @woodsteinmedia, Facebook @WoodsteinMedia, Twitter @colinburrowes1, and https://www.linkedin.com/in/colinburrowes.

What will you win? Well, my good friend, you will win the respect of your peers, and Woodstein Media will write a letter of endorsement for a Guinness World Record because it will likely be the first time this impossible task has been completed.

So let’s see you all pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and the next time some asshole tells you to do it, send them to this contest and encourage them to show their bootstrap prowess to the world. If they can’t do it, don’t let them tell you to do it?

Colin Burrowes and Woodstein Media are not responsible for any injuries attempting to win this contest.

The contest closes when the impossible task has been completed.

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