This is the final of three pieces of local media that dove into a strange incident that shook the foundations of Listowel, Ontario, in 1995. An article that plunged into the oddly humorous reaction of the town government can be found here, and a letter sent to the town council and the Listowel Banner by the Youth Support Committee to clarify their position.

I will clarify whether I was naked or not after you read this 174-word article, under no byline, that was printed on the final page of the Wednesday, October 4, 1995, issue of the Listowel Banner. It is pure comedy gold and should have won an award.

Wrapped up in nudity

When is nudity, not nudity? Perhaps when the clothing is shed to reveal body parts covered with Saran wrap.

At least that was the “difference of opinion” outlined by Coun. Daniel McIntosh to Listowel Town Council Monday night.

In response to a letter of explanation about “the battle of the bands” held in Memorial Park in August, the Listowel Youth Support Committee stated there was no nudity, as had been stated at council. (The letter appears on Page 5 of the Banner.)

In thanking the committee for writing the letter, Coun. McIntosh nonetheless said he would not change his remarks based on his observation of the performance of the first two bands.

From his vantage point, some distance from the bandshell, Coun. McIntosh said it appeared to him there was nudity.

However, in subsequent conversations with persons “closer to the stage than I cared to be,” Coun. McIntosh said he was advised that “when the lad disrobed,” he was, in fact, “wearing Saran wrap.”

“I suppose it’s a matter of opinion,” Coun. McIntosh said.

Was I nude?

Well, here are my thoughts on the matter. First, I’d like to point out that nudity cannot be a matter of opinion. You either are wearing clothes, or you aren’t. There is no opinion involved. In the old story, the emperor was nude. You argue the facts, you prove you are a fool, whether you are an authority or not.

In the park, Coun. McIntosh never saw a penis, and it was not because of his distance from the stage or because the penis was under wraps. It was because the penis was concealed in underwear. There was no nudity.

What should have been noticed in the weeks of discussion around the town, in print and taxpayer-funded council meetings, was that the underwear I was clad in was made from a fully prepared Caesar salad. All this fuss and no-one asked the source or any of the inner circle for the facts.

I can tell you from experience that this decision to wear Caesar salad underwear was not wise, especially on a hot summer day.

The most disturbing part of the story was that later, some people who were in the know consumed some of the Caesar salad. I do not condone this behaviour, and it’s not just because I am now vegan. It’s disturbing behaviour.

So, what is the moral of this tale? Simply that, there are no alternative facts. People near the stage knew I had not flashed a park filled with families. If I had, Police Chief Douglas Ashbourne would not have said that while people might have found the behaviour disturbing, it wasn’t unlawful.

I wonder what was on the mind of a councillor who was under the impression he had seen an event he likened to Oh Calcutta, which is essentially softcore porn on the stage. That was definitely not what others saw.

If you want to see something I find offensive that was filmed around Listowel go to youtube and watch the video linked below, and remember, if you are old enough to eat breakfast, then you should be old enough to watch it. If this link blocks you go to Youtube directly and search Gray Ridge chicken abuse to find the video titled You Won’t Believe How Eggs Are Made.

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